the worst thing that ever happened to you

10 11 2012

i was once in an atv accident with no helmet on. i split my head open on a steel pole and then the atv landed on top of me. i had my ankle shattered playing soccer. i had a girl i was in love with run off to australia for months only to come back and tell me that she had left expecting to come back engaged to a boy she knew from before, and about whom she’d neglected to tell me before. once, i was chopping wood, and a shard of wood rebounded from my split straight into my eye. i went to the hospital after about 30 minutes of flushing blood out of my eye in the kitchen sink; my mother wanted to find the wood. i don’t even remember how long it took the doctors to get it out. all i really remember is that i don’t like people putting metal things into my eye. most people probably don’t, but i do suspect that there was a time that i loved it. not after that.

once i was caught making out with my ladyfriend by her father. you know, after both of us were shirtless. i thought my dad and i were really close until he left when i was 13 and only saw me once in his life after that. i had a disturbed neighbor when i was 10 who took all of his mother’s kitchen knifes and chased me all around my yard, throwing them at me. i had this girlfriend i wanted to leave because of her lack of basic kindness and her willingness to try to coerce me to bend to her will by hurting me where she knew i wasn’t strong. and when i finally left her, she stole much of my stuff, including my cat, whom she knew i loved more than anything.

there—maybe that’s something i could say was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. that was an unresolved understanding and a needless pain suffered. i couldn’t make her understand that the way she treated me was unacceptable to me, and that’s why i had to end it. because if i didn’t, it meant that i was saying the way she treated me was okay, and it wasn’t. it’s hard to be close to someone and not understand one another. because i did love her, and i know she loved me, but her love was too angry, too jealous for me. and when you’re so close to someone who can’t understand it when you tell them that they’re hurting you, it’s sad. and either that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, or the fact that she stole my awesome cat friend wesley as a result. i really do miss him.

so, this posting began simply as me trying to think of something “terrible” that happened to me, because as i sat here thinking about it tonight, nothing really qualified. everything that happened to me that was “bad,” i ended up learning from it—learning about myself, or about the world—but always learning, and even the memory of how awful some of those experiences were to get through reminded me that i still got through them. knowing that you get through things is nice. am i crazy to not think of the night i had such terrible food poisoning that i passed out from exhaustion and dehydration naked in a cold sweat in a 40-degree bathroom overnight as being one of the worst things that ever happened to me? it happened, and i did not enjoy it.

but to be the worst thing that has ever happened to you, it has to affect you for the rest of your life. and for it to affect you for the rest of your life, you have to never be able to get over it. because if you’ve got something you’ve never gotten over, then i understand why you’ve got something you consider as the worst thing that ever happened to you.

but really, it’s in the past, and your inability to get over it is what’s happening to you. i guess it is still happening to me every time i think about and miss my relationship with wesley. though it’s hard for me to be angry with myself over missing that guy. we had the best times together.

so really… what’s the worst thing that ever happened to you?