you’ve got a hole in your heart

12 03 2011

I got a surprising number of notes and pieces of hate mail after I posted this past week but password protected it.  Okay, no hate mail.  But a lot of “wtf” mail.  For those of you unfamiliar with the acronym “wtf,” I think it is a forestry group based in Canada.  To clear the air, I wrote on Monday night in a fit of anger, and my anger was directed at myself, and I was not kind.  I posted it because I wanted to see if I really felt that way about myself.  So that I could return in time and see how things have changed, if at all.  I wanted to post it because I know that no matter how uncharacteristic, it was me, and that nothing any of us says at any point in time isn’t us.  I wanted to keep others from seeing it because I don’t like that part of myself, obviously, but I wanted it documented and appropriately timestamped.  So, sorry.  No one gets the password.  If that’s not a metaphor for the darkest chambers of the human heart, I don’t know what is.

Feel free to put this song on as you read the rest.  Or stop and watch.  You get to see Christopher Crisci without a beard, even.

This week has been a long crawl out from under that feeling.  And it’s not over, but it may never be over, which isn’t a problem.  Just a circumstance.  Last night, I took my night alone and listened to music.  I hadn’t done that in a while.  I just sat and listened to whatever music I wished for a few hours.  I love doing this because you’ll find all kinds of thoughts that have been on the edge of your mind and all kinds of feelings that have been on the edge of your heart shaken loose by the music, and they all fall into place, mingle sweetly or otherwise, in the moment of your being.  Your brain directs your focus most of your days; but with music, for me anyway, my being gets to notice itself in a seemingly random parade of aspects that make sense in a way that words don’t describe.

So there I was, recognizing myself as a million different things, a million different people, seeing my current state against a backdrop of everything I’ve been and will probably have to be before the end, and it was… nice.  I don’t feel that different today.  But it was nice.

I awoke with one of the songs in my head, “Blue Eleanor” by Old Canes, and this is a song I’ve always liked (it’s why I picked it last night), but today I got obsessed with it.  Immediately upon waking, I put it on repeat.  I got my guitar and learned to play it.  I turned the song off and tried to play it, but I don’t know all of the words and frankly, the strumming is faster than I usually play, and I kept losing my pick like a teenager.  I didn’t want to ruin my plans for the day—doing a little tune-up on my neglected car—but I didn’t want to stop with the song, so I grabbed my earphones and ipod and put the sucker on repeat.

A quick aside:  it is a popular misconception that NGK spark plugs come pre-gapped; they do not.  I would like to make popular a truer conception that you should always gap your plugs, man.  Don’t be lazy… pay attention.  You’ll save yourself time in the end.

As I listened to the song all morning whilst working on the car in a really perfect chill, I realized I couldn’t have picked a better song, and then I realized that I hadn’t picked the song.  It kind of picked me.  It’s beautiful because it’s the perfect song for feeling sort of bad but sort of hopeful.  It’s full of platitudes, but they’re truthful platitudes.  It’s got a simple but infectious energy; you feel up to the task even though it is hard and you know the outcome isn’t falling your way.  It’s emotionally honest but melodramatic, which is a big plus…  it makes the song a little manipulative, but if you’re feeling the tone at all, i.e., if it’s resonating with you, it’s kind of fun to take up the slack of the emotional rope.  And the best part about it, if you’re in the state of being that can appreciate it, is that it mopes but it doesn’t dwell.

It’s a song of a tough moment that doesn’t bemoan the fact that it’s a tough moment.  So nice.

I’ve got one more thought to add, because I never stop when I should (after first paragraph).  Taking the line “you’ve got a hole in your heart” totally out of context, I was thinking about how the only reason anyone we know exists is because they’ve got a hole in their heart.  If you don’t, you feel absolute love, and according to a great many spiritual traditions, you’re outta here.

I say this because that means you can look at every single person you meet and know that there is something within them that is aching, that they don’t know how to fix, and they’re doing the human thing of bleeding out but constantly trying to refill their hearts with love.  They may not be doing it in a very kind way.  They may feel weak and act pitifully.  They may feel so frightened of running out that they behave jealously, angrily, demandingly, trying to squeeze all of the “love” they can out of others so they can feel whole.  But no matter how we each behave, if nothing else, we can look at one another and recognize that we’re all in the same proverbial boat, and everyone is deserving of your empathy and admiration.

Yeah, probably should have stopped earlier.  It’s cool, I maintain revision rights.


Protected: worthiness

8 03 2011

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