a year out of work

17 07 2009

Fact:  it is now precisely one year since my final working day in North Carolina.  And here I am.  I think I’ve learned some things.  I’ve definitely come up with some new ideas.  I’m still myself at the core.  I have no idea what else to say at this point (it’s not a coincidence that I’ve not been posting of late), but I thought I should commemorate the passing of the year with a post of some kind.

How about:  I no longer believe in man’s reason?  Or:  I think enlightenment may be an aberration of the workings of the universe?  I’ve thought these things recently, and I probably believe them, but I don’t feel much of a need to explain or defend them.  I don’t know why.  That’s most unlike me—you probably know that I will flog a dead horse with the sharpest tongue I can conjure ad infinitum.  I generally don’t believe anything until I’ve said it twenty different ways and I can believe that I’ve made it make sense to someone besides myself.  But now, and maybe it’s just this week or so, I couldn’t care less if my thoughts escape my mind; or if they make sense; or if they’re real or not.

I have one admission to make, in the interest of maintaining my written integrity.  I don’t actually think enlightenment is an aberration of the natural world.  It’s a path.  Everything’s a path.  Maybe I liken it to becoming a referee instead of playing the only game set before you.  I don’t believe in the greatest good or anything, but I think that the basic mechanism asks us to live out our lives emotionally, teaching ourselves to abide by ever-higher ideals, and leaving the earth an improved, shinier soul.  Just another path, anyway.

I apologize for not feeling optimistic and cheerful today.  I don’t know what it is.  I’m pretty sure it’s a petty set of problems, as I know I’m annoyed with my car being broken into, two BS parking tickets, and my computer dying (oh—another reason I’ve not been writing much lately).  I’ve barely been bothered by any of these events, but maybe they’re piling up on me a little, even though I know better.  Justice isn’t in the days, you know.  It exists as much as does reason, I think.

In any event, I’m a year out and things have changed and things have stayed the same.  And I found a sealed first pressing of Depeche Mode’s Violator today for twelve dollars, so maybe I should just buck up anyway.  Of course, I’m gonna open it up and listen to it.  A “collector” I am not.




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