marriage is my right

15 06 2009

i’m bored.  so…  i want to get married!  only i don’t want to know the person i’m marrying—it will only spoil it.  knowing someone is the first step towards disliking, or even resenting them!  i want to careen carelessly into commitment with someone of like mind.  the way i see it, the only thing we’ll have in common is that we’ll want to find a way to cohabitate with a brand new person.  there will be no baggage.  no fight from two christmases ago.  no “i said i liked your sister but really i think she’s a tart and gets what she deserves” hardening the bonding surface before the big occasion.  this way, we’re already married, and when i meet your whorish sister, i’ll tell you i think she’s a whore, but it doesn’t matter because our commitment had nothing to do with that.

i simply think it’s best to enter into this partnership with a level head, and the only way to do it is to have nothing mucking up the exchange beforehand.  should i consider marrying someone who wants a green card?  maybe!  the probable language barrier will make it even harder to find something to fight about!  did we come somewhere to eat that doesn’t suit you?  how would i have known?  oh well!  no reason for either of us to be upset at the other.

it’s just, and forgive me if this doesn’t meet your romantic expectations, you daft prick, but it’s just that, as long as you’re not gay, you can marry any person you would like at pretty much any time, and this is a right that i’m sick of not utilizing.  sorry, my gay friends, if you live in a difficult state.  i suppose that cost is the only prohibitive factor in doing the deed, and frankly i don’t know how prohibitive it is, but it’s probably not that bad if you go the justice of the peace route.  i think i’d prefer to be married by a captain at sea, though.

so, if you’re fed up with expecting something for which you should know better than to hope, are able to sign your name, and don’t get sea sick, please give me a call!  we probably won’t have a “great” life together, but at the very least, disappointment won’t be a problem, because we’ll at least have a few zany adventures carry over from the wild excitement of gettin’ hitched to a stranger or near-stranger, and that’s more than either of us has right now.

then, we can have more brand-new life adventures together.  maybe one day we could divorce even!

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3 responses

16 06 2009
jsipes

I’ve heard that Alex Lazara too wants to be married. He even tried to marry legendary film actor Tony Curtis on facebook, but failed. I didn’t really get it because, let’s face it, Tony Curtis is looking a little rough around the edges these days, but to each their own I suppose. All I’m saying is that you want to get married, Alex wants to get married…let’s make this happen! Oh…wait…

25 06 2009
pletch

i do quite like that guy… but i don’t draw nearly the water that tony curtis does! i’m not confident he’ll be into it with me is all i’m saying, i’m i’m afraid of having my heart broken.

25 06 2009
pletch

i’ve been thinking about it, and i believe i should just go for it. but, what do you do to catch the eye of someone like that? what do you think, should i get a new pair of pants? i’m kidding! unless you were kidding. what do you think, slacks?

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