morphing jetty

27 05 2009

he is a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.  but then, that’s precisely the kind of foolish dance that seems to have always suited me best.  the less likely there is to be an answer, the more i’ll feel drawn to the matter.  those of you familiar with my attempts to toss off the weighted ball of expectation of understanding, or even of desire of understanding, may presently snicker to see that i still haven’t removed the shackle from my leg.  yeah, wherever i threw that ball, the chain follows, and there but by the grace of lack of foresight go i.

while i’m still unsure as to the desirability of understanding the joys, frustrations, and oppressions our hearts tend to generate, i’m yet unable, it would seem, to feel any particular feeling without automatically trying to locate its origin.  now:  where people have told me that trying to remain unaffected at the advent of a strong emotional current is effectively trying to deny my humanity in favor of transmogrifying into a robot, i believe the opposite:  that feeling an emotion and thoughtlessly allowing it to cause me pleasure or grief is a submission to the mechanical nature of our bodies.  emotions are affective, and to be affected is to be bound by the hard rules of our physiologies.  i don’t mind being a robot, i just want to be able to have my experience on as much my terms as possible.

typical circular thought considerations aside, i’m presently confused by some abberant emotions coming from the area where medical doctors agree my heart should be.  i’ve been broken up with my ex-ladyfriend for close to 4 months now; i have never had anything but sure feelings about the rightness of this breakup; i have felt sad for the discontinuation of the good times, but also sure that this breakup has prevented far more bad times; and i have barely spoken to the other party in all this time because she has been an angry ball of sputtering wax, ever-ready to try to make me feel badly or simply call me rotten names.  this has never bothered me.  i’ve been aware for long enough that her insults are how she deals with her pain, and i haven’t found most of them to be of authenticity enough to have had any effect beyond annoyance.

so, i deal with my pain by experiencing it and not propagating more misery by taking my frustrations out on her or others, and she deals with her pain by telling her friends that i’m a fuckhead.

tonight, she called, and, as i knew she had taken my cat into the veterinarian because of a rash he apparently has, i answered.  and she was in tears, raving about all the drama in her life and telling me that everything she does just makes things worse and worse and it’s not her fault because people keep causing her crazy drama except she is at fault a little bit because she made a dumb decision that she knew beforehand she shouldn’t but she did anyway and the cat’s on steriods and she really needs the cat around and she loves him and doesn’t want to sound like a crazy cat lady but she needs him and she’s prepared to offer me visitation rights but she needs him and on and on.  and i mean, it was fine, she wasn’t yelling at me, she was just frantic and emotionally jumbled, and obviously had been involved in stuff she wished she hadn’t been, and all of this was fine.  so i talked to her for a while, and she came down to normalcy and wasn’t overwhelmed anymore, which was fine.

but then something unanticipated happened.  as we shot the bull about normal life things, things she was doing, trips she had planned, people she’d been hanging out with, and on and on, i started to feel unexpectedly apprehensive.  i didn’t know why, and i don’t know why.  i can’t tell if i’m jealous of the stuff that she’s doing without me, or if i’m annoyed that she’s suddenly getting into neat new enterprises (meaning:  doing new things, growing) when i had been wanting her to do so before but she wouldn’t, or if i somehow didn’t like hearing that she is finding ways to continue her life without me.

this makes no sense, of course, and for this i’ve been silently upbraiding myself all night.  i want her to grow, to do new things, to be happy.  i want her to conduct her life independent of me to an end of satisfaction and happiness.  i want the same things for myself.  i want for both of us the same things i want of all people, and i want these things for all of us regardless of whether i’m involved.

if anyone else has insight, experience, or a couple o’ pennies they want to throw into this, feel free.  i’m pretty sure i should just accept that i should be ashamed to not be happy that she’s finding new ways to get along just like i am.  just like we all are, all the time, regardless of whether we are in a relationship, or are recently out of one, or if we’ve just learned how to read minds but, unfortunately, only in german.

actually, maybe i’m upset by this because while she is (and presumably millions of others are) ostensibly making progress, i’m still trying to figure out what kind of life i want to make for myself, and with no foundation to build on, my freedom is at once my great advantage as well as my festering albatross.

as ever, it is a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.

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One response

28 05 2009
red poncho bear

people seem to evolve and change and grow only when forced to do so. i’ve seen that in myself. without lack of another choice, i’ve remained fat and happy in some respects (beyond the literal). . .

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