how i do

31 03 2009

here’s how i do:

i design a new fool-proof anti-theft device that is invisible to the naked eye and, upon an item’s removal from a place of business without sanctioned disarm by an authorized agent, it explodes with alarming force, ruining the item.  and probably hurting the criminal.

then, i start a new fashion trend whereby nobody removes the tags from their clothing because it’s so cool.  soon after the trend is in full swing, i remind kids of how easy it is to steal things from stores since everyone’s walking around with tags on their clothes anyway, and i sell devices that remove all of the current theft deterrents.  a swiss army knife of theft deterrents.  i have them made in some third world country and make heavy profits.

then, with theft so rampant across the country, i sell my undetectable exploding theft deterring devices at a premium price, and the deactivating devices at horrifyingly massive profits, to virtually every company in the world, as they are all so desperate to curb the theft and there are no other companies already prepared to defend their products.  also, the deactivating devices do not remove the highly explosive devices.

then i set up a company to open a chain of small hospitals that deal exclusively with explosion wounds.  also, did i mention that the explosive devices have remote control capabilities and we can blow up any number of them “accidentally” at any given time?  they do and we can!  are you getting excited yet?  when we start doing that, we launder our money like criminals and remove most of it from the theft deterring company so that they go bankrupt very soon once the lawsuits start coming in. all of the detonating remote controls go mysteriously missing, too.  and the explosions continue!

also, maybe we should also open up an insurance company that insures only against these explosions, and then we don’t blow up those people.  sick profits!

AND:  i don’t even have an mba.

is it just me or is it frightening how simple it is to manipulate a captive mass-market country?  thank god none of the companies in our world have ever figured this out.

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One response

1 04 2009
Mr. Allyson

dougindustrialcomplex

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