you can go back… but it kind of sucks

9 08 2008

So, I can’t imagine that anyone who looks at this blog didn’t know about my other blog, the big hiking trip I planned, or by now, its failure.  If you need updating, it’s at

I’m still frustrated and disappointed about that trip’s dissolving, and so don’t feel like discussing it, but I think I’m yet planning to hike… it’s a bit much to think about now, considering the amount of time I spent working on the other one, but, I don’t know, I’ll get around to it.

In the meantime, I decided I should keep from being idle, as I can certainly be when without a plan, so I came down to Carrboro today to take care of a few things.  Primarily, I needed to address the forks on my motorcycle, which leaked their dampening oil just before I left.  They need to have their seals replaced, and I’m not entirely confident in my ability to do so, so I’m researching…  how much others want for it (too much!), what tools I’d need to try to pull it off myself (not that any of my tools are in Carrboro anyway), what parts I need to buy if I’m going to try, et cetera.  Anyway, it’s not going so great, which is only  sharpening the general malaise born of failure that I’m feeling at this time.

This sounds dramatic, I guess.  This is probably as fleeting as any other feeling.  But there’s something that seems especially depressing about this moment.  I played a little tennis with Paul, and that was okay, but on the way back, he decided to drive me by my old apartment.  It was dark.  Everything else seemed the same.  Tumbleweed the neighborhood cat was on the prowl.  I wanted to pet him and hang out a minute, but it didn’t seem right.  One of my neighbors was on her porch.  I have always enjoyed hanging out with her, but I didn’t say hello.  I realized that I’d actually lived there longer than I’d lived in any one place since I lived with my mother–only two years, but still the longest I’ve lived in a place–and I’d become as much a part of that community as I’ve ever become.  I felt like I still belonged there, but was in exile… my return was incomprehensible.  Yeah, yeah, it sounds dramatic.  All I’m saying is that I’m feeling placeless and embarrassed.

Maybe I’ll feel better when I get my motorcycle on its way to being repaired…  I plan on writing about whether happiness or freedom is more important for a being.  God knows what I actually think.  But it was something that started to tickle my noodle while hiking.




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: