when you’re feeling down

6 06 2008

jacki and i had a discussion this morning on what to do when you’re feeling down, or upset, or irretrievably depressed.  here is a brief synopsis, and we hope sincerely that you are able to defeat your future malaises with these remedies.

a lot of people think it’s a good idea just to remember that things could be worse.  you’ve poured sour milk onto the last of your morning cereal and a seriously deflating feeling overcomes you.  you feel so low that you could stab yourself–but oh great–all you have is a spoon.  just perfect.  the old sketch comedy show The State had a skit not unlike this, and at this point “worse day” came up on the screen, and a man is again sad about his breakfast, except suddenly a panther mauls him in his kitchen.  so that’s how it’s supposed to work.  you hate your job, but at least there aren’t hungry panthers roaming your halls.

but that’s stupid.  that’s funny for a show, because panthers are the charlie chaplins of the big cat world, but it’s not going to help you feel better in everyday situations.  it needs to be more personal than that.  it needs to have a lasting effect if it’s really going to lift you from the depths consistently.  it has to be provocative, real.

so… what if you had horribly bruised and highly re-bruisable arm pits?  how awful!  you’d have to walk around with raised arms, because the gentle act of lowering your arms is, beyond being painful, also going to worsen the bruises.  if you walk with your arms down, the bruises rub and the pain intensifies.  you’ll freak out at your local target when they’ve sold out of spray-on deodorant.  your life will be seriously DESTROYED.  plus, it’s kind of funny, on account of the fact that it’s not possible to have a problem where only your arm pits are highly bruisable.  so you’ll be alternately horrified and entertained at your arm pit bruising musings until whatever trouble you had is long forgotten.

also, think about a hobo punching a pigeon out of mid-air!




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