when you’re feeling down

6 06 2008

jacki and i had a discussion this morning on what to do when you’re feeling down, or upset, or irretrievably depressed.  here is a brief synopsis, and we hope sincerely that you are able to defeat your future malaises with these remedies.

a lot of people think it’s a good idea just to remember that things could be worse.  you’ve poured sour milk onto the last of your morning cereal and a seriously deflating feeling overcomes you.  you feel so low that you could stab yourself–but oh great–all you have is a spoon.  just perfect.  the old sketch comedy show The State had a skit not unlike this, and at this point “worse day” came up on the screen, and a man is again sad about his breakfast, except suddenly a panther mauls him in his kitchen.  so that’s how it’s supposed to work.  you hate your job, but at least there aren’t hungry panthers roaming your halls.

but that’s stupid.  that’s funny for a show, because panthers are the charlie chaplins of the big cat world, but it’s not going to help you feel better in everyday situations.  it needs to be more personal than that.  it needs to have a lasting effect if it’s really going to lift you from the depths consistently.  it has to be provocative, real.

so… what if you had horribly bruised and highly re-bruisable arm pits?  how awful!  you’d have to walk around with raised arms, because the gentle act of lowering your arms is, beyond being painful, also going to worsen the bruises.  if you walk with your arms down, the bruises rub and the pain intensifies.  you’ll freak out at your local target when they’ve sold out of spray-on deodorant.  your life will be seriously DESTROYED.  plus, it’s kind of funny, on account of the fact that it’s not possible to have a problem where only your arm pits are highly bruisable.  so you’ll be alternately horrified and entertained at your arm pit bruising musings until whatever trouble you had is long forgotten.

also, think about a hobo punching a pigeon out of mid-air!


nature, chronologically speaking

3 06 2008

you know how every movie, story, or actual recording that includes time travel invariably makes a point of stressing the importance of NOT CHANGING ANYTHING in the past, as the most minute difference could set into motion a series of events that could drastically alter the future?  the simpsons played with the idea when homer’s toaster sent him back and he stepped on a bug.  i think it even rained doughnuts in one of the alternative futures he eventually stumbled into.  futurama had fry become his own grandfather, even.  and we all know what happened to the future when mcfly left the sports almanac in the past.  it took a whole feature film to sort that mess out.

so, i get it.  no changing anything.  nothing.  don’t do anything, man.  unless it turns out you were supposed to have done it all along, in which case, for god’s sake, don’t not do it!

what i think is interesting is how willing people are to screw around with the natural order of our host and habitat, ever present but the fabric of time, something we barely can even think about, remains absolutely sacred in our media.  why?  just because it could change everything?  who’s to say that that’s not a completely acceptable change?  as time happened, things would change, but the participants would be none the wiser.  is time not part of our larger ruling force?  can it not be defined as being part of our natural environment?  and as such, why shouldn’t it be subject to the very same jaunts of human meddling that the rest of our world is?

i think that it would be.  the sacredness of anything may only exist in our world until we figure out how to manipulate it.  and why not?  all it can do is change stuff.  and… we got stuff.  i could come out of this meddling sittin’ pretty.  hopefully as a low-level office functionary.

wait!  my dream is realized!  don’t disturb the fabric of time, please, should you ever get the chance.