Biological Imperative/Dumb Holidays

14 02 2008

I’m not going to waste anyone’s time discussing the sad, hollow plasticity of today’s “holiday.” Do you understand me?

I would, however, like to make it known that I am INSULTED by the concept of biological imperative. Am I alone on this one? I think not. I don’t mind biological necessity. Eating and hydrating, for instance–it’s brilliant. It only makes sense that my physical being requires a little fuel daily in order to maintain its terrific build and to further its physical manipulative exploits. The keyboard doesn’t type itself! If it did, I would take it someplace (yet another excellent physical manipulative exploit) and show people who would appreciate it.

Other biological necessities don’t bother me, either. I’ve made my peace with giving 14 hours each night to subconscious reorganization. I can appreciate how vigorous physical movement, whether through game or sport or certain rare forms of therapeutic epilepsy, actually helps to replenish energy and mental acuity. Many parts of simply living life, while they seem trivial and wasteful on the surface, are actually brilliantly disguised tranquil or invigorating restorative maintenances.

My gripe, and it’s no mistake that I’m making it known on February 14, is with the most insidious of biological imperatives–the SEX ACT.

“Really?!” you ask, unaware that your sick biological programming is to credit for your inability to understand. “Because the SEX ACT feels good. I like the SEX ACT.” You poor, brainwashed fool. You probably think you’d rather be performing SEX right now instead of reading this damning logic.

2. Babies. Those of you who think you want children, go talk to someone who used to think they wanted children but have since had children. If they’re too depressed to talk, just look at them. Their dead eyes, sagging skin, and trembling hands should be all that you need to see. Don’t poke them with a stick! It’s best to leave someone in their trance of servitude. Awakening them could spark cognition, and even the tiniest brush with actually thinking about the reality of their situation could be enough to… become irascible and attack you? … throw themselves into a cardboard crusher? You don’t want to know.

1. SEX ACT. Babies wouldn’t exist without it. But it’s pleasurable, right? Right, and it leads to babies. Oh yeah, that’s right. But that’s not even the worst of it.

0. You’re a human. You’re going to die. The pleasure intrinsic to the SEX ACT serves one purpose only–to trick you into doing it because, for some reason, your biological programming demands to be carried into the future by brand new meatbags. Doesn’t that anger you? That Nature thinks so little of your intellectual ability that it believes that introducing fleeting, momentary pleasure is enough to compel you to do its bidding? If it doesn’t, then you’re kind of an A-hole.

The Science of Psychology has a pleasure pyramid, and the most base pleasures are fleeting, momentary physical pleasures. Indulgent eating and SEX ACTs are such pleasures. They take no mindfulness, no attention, no effort, certain few professionals excluded. This is why the unimaginative and uneducated masses of the world have so many children. Think about your cousins in Appalachia. Think about evangelicals.

This isn’t a plea; I don’t care what you do with your lives. I just want you to think about this the next time you feel compelled to rub soft parts together, make stupid faces and sounds, and convince someone that you care about them. If that’s the apex of your pleasure-finding ability, good for you! You’re achieving at a high level–write your parents all about it. Don’t forget the pictures!

I’m not saying that engaging in the SEX ACT is beneath intelligent people, or even beneath me. In fact, this is precisely why I’m insulted by it–because I’m aware enough to know it’s useless for my purposes, but my traitorous physical body sabotages my empirically divined lack of need. And isn’t there a more academic and intellectually hifalutin word for, ahem, “blue balls?”





One response

15 02 2008
Mr, Allyson

(To be read in a voice reminiscent of both the annoying Word Document Anthropomorphic Paper Clip and’s Data Mining/Promotional “Recommendations” Pages) If you enjoy bitching about SEX ACT, you may also enjoy The History Of Sexuality, Volume 1, by Michel Foucault.

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